I laid beside you while you napped today, curled around you with my knees up. You mirrored my position, curled with your knees up. Your little body fit perfectly in the space I created for you. Protected by the borders of my existence. And I felt the same ache that I've come to know over the last three hundred or so days. This isn't going to last.
When I moved away from Virginia for the first time, I drove around to all of my favorite spots and took mental memories of them. I stood firmly, closed my eyes, breathed deeply, did whatever made sense in order to imprint the feeling deep inside me. And, oddly, it worked. I can go back to that cliff over the New River anytime I need it. I can feel the A.T. soaking up through my toes and into my heart when I long for it.
I do the same thing with you. Every time you rest in my arms to nurse, I ground myself, close my eyes, breath deeply, and feel the weight of you against me. I never want to forget what it feels like.
This isn't going to last. You'll get bigger and you won't fit in this space anymore.
But then I remembered when you were just a little tree frog and your whole person fit nestled between my breasts. You fit then, and you fit now. And I realized that you will always fit. You will change, that is certain. But my heart, if not my body, will always be a refuge for you and you will always fit with me.
I cried when I realized it.
And then I thought,
"How lucky am I to have a life so replete with joy that it breaks my heart knowing that I only get to live it once!"
When I moved away from Virginia for the first time, I drove around to all of my favorite spots and took mental memories of them. I stood firmly, closed my eyes, breathed deeply, did whatever made sense in order to imprint the feeling deep inside me. And, oddly, it worked. I can go back to that cliff over the New River anytime I need it. I can feel the A.T. soaking up through my toes and into my heart when I long for it.
I do the same thing with you. Every time you rest in my arms to nurse, I ground myself, close my eyes, breath deeply, and feel the weight of you against me. I never want to forget what it feels like.
This isn't going to last. You'll get bigger and you won't fit in this space anymore.
But then I remembered when you were just a little tree frog and your whole person fit nestled between my breasts. You fit then, and you fit now. And I realized that you will always fit. You will change, that is certain. But my heart, if not my body, will always be a refuge for you and you will always fit with me.
I cried when I realized it.
And then I thought,
"How lucky am I to have a life so replete with joy that it breaks my heart knowing that I only get to live it once!"